Notes to My Pastor

I’m having my gall bladder removed next week. For the past two weeks I’ve found myself crying at church and not really wanting to explain to anyone why. I scheduled the surgery six weeks ago, in retrospect, I probably should have scheduled it much sooner so I wouldn’t have time to dwell on it. My pastor is such a kind man and a good friend to our family and has offered to drive me to the hospital that morning. He also asked me to let him know about the surgery and what was going on with me, so here’s our correspondence. Maybe it will help someone else going through “stuff” right now.

Me:

I’m alright, I think I may take you up on the ride to the hospital if that’s ok. I should have scheduled the surgery to take place weeks ago so I wouldn’t have had so much time to dwell on it. But, I guess it got me thinking, so now every time I go to church I can’t help but crying more than I usually do. It just got me thinking about how do we know what God’s will is for our lives, that people often say that they’ll pray for your surgery or that you’ll get through it ok, but what if that’s not God’s will? So it’s not actually the surgery I’m concerned with at all, I’m more concerned about whatever God’s will is in it, and how far do we go to pray for God’s will no matter what the situation. I guess I’m concerned about being put under and not waking up. I want to be around for my son, but then also trying to seek comfort from God in my anxiety about it all, but having to be comforted knowing that if for any reason I shouldn’t wake up (or why worry about it now when anytime God wants to take us he can in any number of ways) that my son and husband are in God’s hands. So for whatever reason now, really looking at how much control over my own life am I willing to give up to God. The surgery is supposed to be a pretty standard outpatient procedure where I get to go home later that day, but in my typical manner I am able to look at the worst possible outcomes. So that’s where I’m at right now. I ordered a couple of CS Lewis books, one is a reflection on the Psalms, that I am planning to take with me to the hospital and read while I sit around for several hours in recovery so I am looking forward to that. The lyrics to one of the songs we sang at church last week really got me, as I was singing the words and thinking, “how much/to what extent do I/we really mean this?” Of course right now I have “Go Diego Go!” from this kids video stuck in my head and can’t think of which song it was. Oh well.

Ok, you asked me to keep you posted. I bet you didn’t realize I could be such a downer. 🙂

Pastor:

it’s not a downer. it goes right with this week’s sermon, read many times philippians 4:4-9 it is great stuff. God’s will? Father knows best, far beyond us. so pray agressively, specifically and Thy Will be done.

this would be a great testimony for sunday pray on it

Me:

You are welcome to share what I told you, but I know there’s no way I’d get through sharing that in front of the church. I’ve just been way too emotional lately.

I probably think too much.

Until next time,

Lorelei

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One Response

  1. […] Notes to My Pastor Follow-Up Posted on September 7, 2008 by clevelandmom On Thursday night I changed my mind and decided I wanted to share a testimony at church on Sunday.   I emailed my pastor as a follow-up to the email where I said I didn’t want to share a testimony because I didn’t …. […]

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